Clan of the Cappuccino

As you might have guessed, I am a fan of Jean M. Auel’s Earth’s Children series, a group of books that includes The Clan of the Cave Bear.  When I first encountered these books in high school, they burned me alive with inspiration.  I wanted nothing more than to run out, hunt for my meals, and make medicines from teas.  I read up on survival and other Paleolithic ideals and conventions, and I was itching to put this into practice.  The only problem was, I had a soft heart and could never be a hunter.  Although, as a hoarder, I’m pretty sure I’ve got gathering skills. 

            I just discovered the final book of the series was published last year.  Some super fan I am.  I will say that the fifth book in the series, which was published in 2002, left me a little flat.  It didn’t have the drive or passion of the first two books, and it lacked the interesting dynamics of the third.  The fourth book was a long read, and a little too contrived, but it was a story about traveling from the Ukraine to France before the euro rail was invented, so I cut it some slack.  Rereading the books, however, has begun to light that same fire in my belly for all things Cro-Magnon!

            I am a white American, which means I love borrowing ideas from cultures that aren’t all about the Gap and Starbucks.  So while reading the books, which have a heavy theme of animals as totems and spirit guides, I began wondering what my totem would be.  Surely the Gap isn’t my totem … but maybe Starbucks is!  I do love coffee, and I’m already marked with a mermaid tattoo! 

            Joseph is already sorted on this issue.  When I met him, he already had pictures and wall art in his apartment depicting the gray wolf he identifies with.  Joseph has wolfish qualities, too.  He’s loyal, fiercely protective of his pack, and he’s a bit aloof.  (Don’t worry, he gave me none of that “lone wolf” crap when we were dating.  I would have socked him in the stomach for it … maybe my totem is the Boxing Kangaroo!) 

            So all the while I was rereading my way through the series of books, I kept thinking which animal would embody my spirit?  Which animal do I have such a kindred connection to that other people would recognize the qualities that connect us right away?  I have a few favorite animals, but favorite animals aren’t necessarily totem material.  For instance, lately, I have liked owls.  But I like owls as decorative motifs, and I don’t think I embody the wise owl spirit.  I have a list of animals it MIGHT be.  And I have a list of animals I would WANT it to be.  But even these “small” lists just make me feel like saying Noah’s Ark is my totem.  Why not?

            My desire for a totem has been getting to me.  I even tried a couple of YouTube meditations to find my Animal Spirit.  But the voices on these videos are too annoying and too fast for me to really get into, and (didn’t think of this) I don’t know how to meditate.  It was very frustrating.  I had to form an image of a “happy place” and when something came to mind like my bed, the narrator would say something like, “perhaps it is a meadow near a babbling brook, or perhaps it’s a mountain side with trees all around.”   Crap!  I was supposed to be in an outdoorsy place?  Okay.  Hang on.  Okay, there, I’m in a forest. 

            “Now, you see a path,” the narrator tells me. 

            Uh, no I don’t.  Hang on.  Thinking … thinking …

            “You start down the path,” the voice continues.

            I said hang on!  Geez!  Okay, I guess I’ll just make a path, stomping through some forest I made up in my head.  Why do I see a refrigerator in the tree branches?  Never mind, ignore it. 

            “You encounter an animal.”

            Oh, this is it.  Whatever animal I think of will be my totem forever … why can’t I think?  Think think THINK!!!!!

            “Now ask your animal …” oops!  Gotta hurry, I guess I see a Muppet!  Wait, a Muppet?

            “… if it is your Spirit Animal.  If the animal is not, continue along your path until you meet the next animal and ask it the same question …”

            Nope!  Lame!  Way too hippy for me!  I have a religious view.  I have ideas about the universe and how it works.  Why do I need to do this 1970’s I-wish-I-were-an-Indian-so-I-can-pretend-I-have-more-culture-than-Starbucks-drinkers crap?   Why do I NEED a Spirit Animal?  It just seems like something people make up to make themselves more important, anyway.  It’s not like I’m going to be attacked by crackheads some day and will be forced to call out, “By the power of EAGLE!!!” and have an eagle swoop down from the sky to carry me into safety, and scare the crap out of the crackheads at the same time. 

            And what would I do with a totem?  Meditate on it?  Paint pictures of it?  Get a tribal tattoo of it?  That just seems so … AWESOME! 

            But here’s the kicker.  One of the websites said if we can’t find our spirit animal, we have to RELAX, because being stressed out may scare animal spirits away from us.  Well, that’s just great.  How can I relax when I don’t know what my totem is? 

            Well, I give up!  I will never be an awesome caveman.  So much for The Clan of the Cave Bear showing me how to live my life.  I’ll just have to drown my totemless sorrows by shopping at the Gap.  I may need a cappuccino to get me through this difficult time in my life.  Spirit of Starbucks, take me away!